Most viewed jokes

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the end.

They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it.

They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it.

They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried:

- Can't we just make his legs longer?

Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
→ A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start their new submarine.

Your high school annual is now a mug shot book for the police department.

At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?" These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

1. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house.
2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
6. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!
15. How do you want to crash today?

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
→ Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
→ The outside.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
→ A walkie-talkie, of course.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
→ Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
→ Too many cheetahs.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
→ One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
→ To the retail store.

What kind of dog tells time?
→ A watch dog.

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application:

- What are you going to do with the money?

- Take jewlery to city and sell it - was the response.

- What have you got for collateral?

- Don't know collateral.

- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?

- Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.

The banker shook his head:

- How about livestock?

- Yes, I have a horse.

- How old is it?

- Don't know, has no teeth.

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills:

- Here to pay - he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

- What are you going to do with the rest of that money?

- Put in teepee.

- Why don't you deposit it in my bank - he asked.

- Don't know deposit.

- You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.

The old Indian leaned across the desk:

- What you got for collateral?

- Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

- Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

- Homer: Why you little -- !

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.

So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer:

- What's up with these chickens?

The farmer said:

- Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire.

The man asked him how they tasted.

The farmer said:

- Don't know, haven't caught one yet.

What looks like half a cat?
→ The other half!

What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
→ 'Claws.'

If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
→ A stri-ped!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
→ A stripey sweater!

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
→ 'Pleased to eat you.'!

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
→ Frostbite!

What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
→ 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'

What is lion's favorite food?
→ Baked beings!