Most viewed jokes

Ten things to do with a graduate Economics textbook:

1. Press pretty flowers.
2. Press pretty insects.
3. Use it as paper weight on your already overcluttered desk.
4. Leave out in obvious places to impress uninformed undergraduates.
5. Mail to the White House as an intimidation tactic.
6. Give it a walk-on part in a boring European existentialist play.
7. Just throw the lousy thing away.
8. Leave out for the rain and other forces of nature to reckon with.
9. Read it, and weep.
10. Get a refund from bookstore so you can buy a weekend's beer supply.

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said:

- Cat caught in machine, come quick!

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
→ Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
→ Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After five years your job will still suck.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
→ It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
→ One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
→ Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me?

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked the time, miss.

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked:

- I will call the police if you say another word!

Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements.

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?

How do you circumcise a redneck?
→ Kick his sister in the chin.

What do you call a line of blondes standing ear to ear?
→ A wind tunnel.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying:

- We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one.

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call:

- Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

- I couldn't help noticing how happy you look - she said.

- What's your secret for a long happy life?

- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day - he said.

- I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.

- That's amazing - the woman said.

- How old are you?

- Twenty-six - he said.