A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked:
- Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?
She thought about it a minute then said:
- Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now.
How do you know a blond has been using your computer?
→ When the joy stick is wet!
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.
- Have you tried counting sheep?
- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...
- Pilot - Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.
- And, after landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.
- From a Southwest Airlines employee.... Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
- As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
- Last one off the plane must clean it.
- And from the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!
- Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with: Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
- Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers.
- Now that's entirely false. - she cried.
- I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice.
It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant:
- Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ....
The Hungarian answered quickly:
- Station - S T A T I O N.
Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question:
- Old MacDonald had a ....
- Ranch - was the reply:
- R A N C H.
Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:
- Old MacDonald had a....
- Farm - the Irishman proudly stated.
- Correct - said the host.
- Now spell the word farm.
The Irishman thought for a moment:
- E I E I O.
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.
- How you doing today? - she said to the old man.
- First day I see.
The Old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful. As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said:
- My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.
- That's okay. - said the old man.
- I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.
Looking into the bowl the orderly said:
- I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!
The old man responded:
- That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow.
