On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible. "What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.
- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.
The shrink thought for a moment and said...:
- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:
- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said:
- I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied:
- Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
Quote from a recent meeting:
- We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done
Quote from the Boss:
- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss:
- We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me:
- What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:
- I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!
HR Manager to job candidate:
- I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.
Quote from telephone inquiry:
- We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
Chicago Tribune
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said:
- It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.
- Donations! - I said.
- How much you got so far?
He said:
- about ten gallons.
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says:
- Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood.
- We're new here, - says the second one.
- It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us.
The first bat replies:
- Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.
He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly:
- Where did you get the blood?
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks:
- See that black building over there?
- Yes, - the other bat answers.
- Well, - says the first bat.
- I didn't.
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
- Why did you do that? - the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
- I know where he lives - he replied, and he wouldn't have made it.
What's the best thing about turning 65?
→ No more calls from insurance salesmen.
