Most viewed jokes

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
→ Their personality.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
→ King Kong is more sensitive.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
→ Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
→ The doorbell shrieks!

- Dinosaur #1: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- Dinosaur #2: What is an economist?

- Dinosaur #1: A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a Kangaroo is.

- Dinosaur #2: I don't know, how many?

- Dinosaur #1: 10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper:

- Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar.

Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled:

- Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing about you!

The old man was saying to his doctor, "You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells:

- I thought I told you to be quiet!

Jerry says:

- Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

Why did the ant-elope?
→ Nobody gnu!

How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
→ Put a pile of manure in the living room!

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

- I know - said the Branch Manager.

- Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.

- No, no - said the Hardware Engineer.

- That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.

- Well - said the Software Engineer.

- Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.