Most viewed jokes

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!

- Give me the bad news first.

- You've got AIDS.

- Oh, no! What could be worse than that?

- You've also got Alzheimer's Disease.

- Oh. Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS.

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also. - Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings, - said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter:

- Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get? St. Peter looked at the Pope and said:

- True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here.

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him:

- So, you've been out drinking again!!

- How did you know? - he asks.

- The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
→ He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

"Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."

The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other:

- It's windy - said one.

- No, it's Thursday - said the next.

- So am I - said the third.

- Let's go and have a drink!