Most viewed jokes

If Cray made toasters...

They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.

Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says:

- OOOOOhhh that looks like semen.

She reaches out and touches the blob with her fingers and says:

- It feels like semen.

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, smells it, and says:

- It smells like semen.

The blonde, reaches out and touches it with her fingers and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says:

- It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . .

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

- I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, - he announced.

- Will the laziest man please put his hand up.

Nine hands went up.

- Why didn't you put your hand up? - he asked the tenth man.

- Too much trouble, - came the reply.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam".

Isn't it fnuny taht yuo cna sitll raed tihs massege enve touhgh ist speelld inocretcly?

OLL! :p

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says:

- Barkeep! Give me a beer!

The bartender replies:

- Well uh..aren't you a piece of string?

The piece of string answers:

- Yeah!

And the bartender says:

- Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!

So the first piece of string walks back towards the door. The second piece of string says:

- Hey wait, hold on a minute!

- You're not doing it right, watch this.

He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says:

- Barkeep! Give me a beer!

The bartender said:

- Aren't you a piece of string?

The piece of strings replies:

- Nope, I'm afraid not!

OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around
OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast

- Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said.

- When did you first notice this problem?

- What problem?

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor:

- I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it.

- Ridiculous - said the doctor.

- You'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind.

- Right - said Herman.

- Those are my exact symptoms.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

- It's O.K., - he replied.

- it's written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil:

- The hat check girl puts out!