Most viewed jokes

A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back:

- CHING... CHANG... CHUN...

The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on.

- Oh - said the chinee - magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters.

- Wow - said the negro - can I try it?

- Certainly - replied the chinaman.

The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back:

- CHIM... PAN... ZEE....

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up:

- I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble - offered the friend.

- Did Mike leave you well fixed?

- Oh, he did! - she said.

- He left me almost a half million dollars.

- Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.

- Nor swim either - added the widow.

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

- Doctor, Doctor, - she called.

- I saw some movement!

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

- Well this is good news, - said the Doctor.

- I think we should call her husband and let him know.

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

- I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex, - he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

- Oops, - he said.

- I think I choked her.

- Mr. Chilton, - the analyst said.

- I think this will be your last visit.

- Does that mean I'm cured? - he asked.

- For all practical purposes, yes, - she said.

- I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.

- Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.

- You've paid my fee, - the doctor said.

- That's the only responsibility you have.

- I know, - Chilton said.

- But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?

- Well, - the doctor said.

- I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television.

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says:

- I'm an atomic bomb.

He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says:

- I'm a hydrogen bomb.

Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says:

- I'm dynamite.

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says:

- Didn't you see how small his fuse was?

A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse.

Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head.

- Jesus Christ! - he screamed, and that is how the baby was named.

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.

- Get a load of her - said the mouse - what a babe!

- Well, why not try your luck? - replied the lion.

So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night.

The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said:

- What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?

The mouse replied:

- Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!

- But how come you look like you're so exhausted? - asked the lion.

- Well - said the mouse - between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!

- First apple: You look down in the dumps. What's eating you?

- Second apple: Worms, I think.