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On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son:

- Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

- Well, is she all right? - asked Mrs. Silver.

- She's fine, except that she's angry at you.

- At me? - the woman exclaimed.

- Whatever for?

- She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,' - snickered Timmy.

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says:

- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.

The woman answered:

- Well, I have contacts.

The policeman replied:

- I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!

A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

- How can I get to the other side of the river? - she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied:

- What for? You are already on the other side of the river!

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said:

- I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies:

- I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a groupof new troops on making a proper jump. He told them:

- When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up,you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane.

After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and beganshoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked himin the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said:

- There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.

- No problem - spoke the Rabbi.

- My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. - What's wrong - asked the farmer.

He replied:

- I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. - What's wrong, now? - the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies:

- I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a building and this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the white guy asks him:

- How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?

And the Mexican guy replies:

- Because we Mexicans don't piss in our hands