Most viewed jokes

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

In a Texas bar, The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars.

So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them:

- whip 'em out.

Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar.

Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for him.

The gay guy replies:

- i was going to get a beer, but i'll check your buffett first

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

- Caller: Hello, is this Tech Support?

- Tech: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

- Tech: I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?

- Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

- Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

- Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which "lived" there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost:

- I mean no harm - I just want your photograph.

The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?
→ The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
→ A viola burns longer.

Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
→ It is usually still in the case.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
→ Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
→ They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
→ Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
→ Put it in a viola case.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
→ Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
→ Because no one will look for them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
→ Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see his doctor.

- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night - complains the man.

- Have you tried counting sheep? - inquired the doctor.

The accountant replied:

- That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There is no justice in this world

The other lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first lady says:

- Look at that

When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild

How do men sort their laundry?
→ "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".