Most viewed jokes

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
→ There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
→ There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
→ Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
→ To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
→ So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
→ An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
→ Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
→ Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
→ There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
→ So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
→ That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
→ The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
→ When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
→ A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
→ Shhh! Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
→ So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
→ Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
→ A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
→ They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
→ To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
→ Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
→ They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
→ A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
→ So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
→ Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
→ When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
→ There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
→ So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
→ When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
→ They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
→ So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
→ They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
→ Smash my horse, please!

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
→ Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
→ Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
→ To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
→ When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
→ They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
→ A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
→ Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
→ So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
→ A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
→ They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
→ Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
→ To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
→ So that forks will marry them!

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded:

- If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!

The wife replied:

- My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place.

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.

Signs You're Sick of the Holidays

8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
9. You're serving reindeer pot pie
10. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
11. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
12. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
13. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
14. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
15. Two words: tinsel rash

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.

- So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?

- Not scared ... - Benny growled.

- been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now

- Oh yeah? ... so ...?

- Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it - Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

- And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.

- But WHY?! - Louie finally demanded.

- Well, I was at da wedding - grumbled Benny.

- and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

- Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

- How do you account for this? - he asked the brothers.

- It's hereditary, sir - the older one replied.

- I see - said the doctor, writing in his file.

- Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?

- No sir, our mother.

- Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!

- I know, sir - replied the recruit, but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered:

- Hello?

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked:

- Is your Daddy home?

- Yes - whispered the small voice.

- May I talk with him? - the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered:

- No.

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked:

- Is your Mommy there?

- Yes - came the answer.

- May I talk with her?

Again the small voice whispered:

- No.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

- Is there anyone there besides you? - the boss asked the child.

- Yes - whispered the child

- a policeman.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked:

- May I speak with the policeman?

- No, he's busy - whispered the child.

- Busy doing what? - asked the boss.

- Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman - came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked:

- What is that noise?

- A hello-copper - answered the whispering voice.

- What is going on there? - asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice, the child answered:

- The search team just landed the hello-copper.

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked:

- What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

- Me.

- Hey, Pop - pleaded Angelo - can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?

- What's the matter with you? - asked his father.

- Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other:

- Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?

- Outstanding, - Fred replied.

- They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.

- That's great! What was the name of the clinic?

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked:

- What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?

- You mean a rose?

- Yes, that's it!

He turned to his wife. . .

- Rose, what was the name of that clinic?