Most viewed jokes

The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively:

- Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself.

- By shooting? - reasked the company commander.

- Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible.

When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency:

- This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle.

Little grandson asked:

- Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?

- I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep.

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest:

- Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.

- No, no - you don't understand! - the Syrian replied.

- Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says:

- Pardon me. May I help you with something.

The blind man says:

- No thanks. I'm just looking around.

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

- No, - says the psychic.

- Next semester in her biology class.

What is the most popular pick up line in a gay bar?
→ Can I push your stool in?

- Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?

- Patient: Yes.

- Doctor: Well, don't do that.

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly:

- Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity.

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said:

- Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.

And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped:

- I don't understand it!

The young beauty answered:

- Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck.

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.

For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. The jailbird said to the fly:

- When you and I get out of here, we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.

Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. He said to the bartender:

- What about this fly, eh?

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. - Glad you saw it - muttered the bartender.

- Blasted things are everywhere.

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was:

- Anything you can do, I can do better.

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked:

- So? What did you do?

- We just shut down two engines.

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in:

- I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said:

- I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!