Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker:
- I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?
A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!! I'm just wearing his hat!!"
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Why do elephants have 4 feet?
→ Because 4 inches isn't enough.
How do vampire football players get the mud off?
→ They all get in the bat-tub.
What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker?
→ Make me one with everything.
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
→ Long time no flea!
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
→ Robert E Flea!
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
→ Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
What do you call a cheerful flea?
→ A hop-timist!
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
→ Shot it!
What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
→ Shall we walk home or take a dog?
What did the romantic flea say?
→ I love you aw-flea!
How to fleas travel?
→ Itch hiking!
What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
→ Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!
Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
→ To hide his flea collar!
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.
In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.
Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.
His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.
He told his Syrian guest:
- Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.
- No, no - you don't understand! - the Syrian replied.
- Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-jet missiles!
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him:
- Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!
- Really? - he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says:
- Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?
The clerk replies:
- Canned or frozen?
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
