- Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again. - the wife told her husband.
- How can you tell ? - he asked.
- Did you smell it ?
- Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . .
- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
- Defendant: No, I did not.
- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!
What kind of clothes are there?
→ women: clean & dirty
Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty, biohazzard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of these clothes).
- Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
- Doctor: A shoebox.
What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
→ Drool.
3 dudes die a lawyer, police man, and a doctor at the pearly gates. The police man walks up 2 saint peter and says:
- I have put criminals away and stopped many crimes like murder, can I get into heaven?
- Saint Peter: um sorry we're sorta having a party so no
The doctor walks up 2 saint peter and says:
- I have saved many lives and helped people feel better, can I get into heaven?
- Saint Peter: nope we're kinda busy right now
The lawyer walks up and says:
- I've sued many people, can I get into heaven?
- Saint Peter: sure come on in! join the party!
The police man and the doctor walk up to saint peter and ask:
- why'd he get in and not us?
- Saint Peter: we dont get many of his kind around here.
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" "Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
- Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?
- It's very simple. You're two tents.
How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.
How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.
How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
→ Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
How does a blonde kill a fish?
→ She drowns it.
A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
→ Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
→ Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.
- Shit - said the driver to his passenger. What kind of bug was that?
- Dunno - he replied. But did you see the size of the cock on it?!
