Most viewed jokes

What do cars do at the disco?
→ Brake dance.

What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
→ Eski-moos!

Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, "Do you have any final words, son?"

"Yeah, drop dead!" snapped the Wolverine.

Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out.

The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim's throat.

"It's God's will! Let him go!" cried the judge.

Next the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, "And what are your final remarks, my boy?"

"Go to hell!" shouted the student, and the judge signaled. The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy's neck. "It's the will of God!" exclaimed the judge. "Set him free!"

Finally the Texan was put into position. "Before you're beheaded," said the judge, "do you have any last words?"

"Yeh!" replied the Aggie. "If y'all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade'll come down a whole lot easier!"

- Professor: A wise man doubts everything. Only a pin-head is positive.

- Student: Are you sure of that, sir?

- Professor: Positive.

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal?
→ He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
→ It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None. They like to keep him in the dark!

George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'Can Albert come out to play?'

'No,' said the mother, 'it's too cold.'

'Well, then,' said George, 'can his football come out to play?'

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"