A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.
- What does this have to do with my throat?
- Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey
Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley
I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan
Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin Franklin
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce Friedman
Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe
Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said, "George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!" - Graham
If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves
Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.
"Why do you keep throwing nails away" said the other.
"Because they have the point at the wrong end", he replied
"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"
What is the one thing you will never hear a man say?
→ Her tits are just too big.
Why do men masturbate?
→ It's sex with someone they love.
- Gerald: Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?
- Mabel: Yes, the dentist.
Why do dentists like potatoes?
→ Because they are so filling.
At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words.
"Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin..."
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
→ Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
