Most viewed jokes

What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?
→ They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

"Where's the car?" asked Professor Delbert's wife when he got home.

"Did I take it out?"

"Yes, you drove it to school this morning."

"I suppose you're right, my dear. I remember now that after I got out, I turned to thank the man who gave me a lift and wondered where he'd gone."

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car.

He opens it and out pops a genie....

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

POOF

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says:

"I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will want and need me."

POOF He's turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If a used car salesman offers you anything at no cost, there's going to be a string attached somewhere!

- You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.

- But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

- See, what did I tell you!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested, "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?"

Her mother glared back at her and said, "Don't talk about your father that way!"

All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.

- Teacher: In the exam you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.

- Pupil: How long for the answer sir!

- Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round

- Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so!

An ideal homework excuse

- Teacher: Where is your homework?

- Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!