Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked:
- Say, why did the foreman fire you?
Replied the second:
- Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.
The Modern Police Force by Iris Tew
- How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
- Cut your head off!
In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.
James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. "Ferber" has failed and so has "The Family Bed."
Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.
Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said:
- I can't take this. I'm going to bed.
Debbie responded:
- If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep.
Dennis went to get the baby.
Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars.
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
- I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. - He said.
- The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor said.
- Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nodded:
- I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.
- From hunger, you mean?
- No, from skipping!
How do snowmen travel around?
→ By iceicle!
What would you get if you crossed a snowman and a vampire?
→ Frostbite!
- Mother: Does your teacher like you?
- Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper!
What is the meaning of life?
→ All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffering!!!
