Most viewed jokes

What is the definition of "moon"?
→ The past tense of "moo"!

Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
→ Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
→ When your a mouse!

Personally, I like to stay and read the credits. When the last scene of Titanic faded to black and people began rushing for the exits, I shouted: "Quick! There are only enough cars in the parking lot for half of us!"

- Policeman: What do you think you're doing parking your car there?

- Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says "Safety Zone."

"Take the wheel, Harry!" said the nervous lady driver. "There's a tree coming straight for us!"

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working. The one says to the other:

- Hey, how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money? - pointing to the supervisor.

The other says:

- I don't know, go ask him.

So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says:

- Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?

The supervisor says:

- Intelligence.

Guido says:

- What is this intelligence?

The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says:

- Hita my hand as hard as you can!

Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisor's hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says:

- That's intelligence.

Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and his co-worker says:

- Hey what did he say?

With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says:

- Hita my hand as hard as you can. . .

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:

- My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way!

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
→ A thought.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said:

- But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said:

- Who's paying for this?

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said:

- Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!