Most viewed jokes

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.

The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband:

- He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.

He replied:

- But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - Rogers

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly:

- Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.

Alex promptly looked at him and said:

- Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

- Come to bed, darling - she whispered after some time had passed.

- Not likely - replied the blonde groom, my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it.

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
→ So men can remember them.
→ So men can understand them.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
→ Any place without a drive-up window.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snowman.

- Keep cool!