Most viewed jokes

Where do snowmen keep their money?
→ In a snowbank!

- Teacher: What are you doing, crawling into school ten minutes late?

- Pupil: Well you told me never to walk into school ten minutes late!

A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC.

He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked:

- Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?

- What? - the man huffed.

- Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?

- Well no - the tourist said.

- I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway.

Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
→ Stalagmice!

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says:

- Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?

The patient calls back:

- One moment!

and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying:

- It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient:

- That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?

The patient holds up his wrist and says:

- I suppose I'd just look at my watch.

What letter stands for the ocean?
→ The letter C.

Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling.

- It's amazing - he said to the other people, that such a small fan could lift all these people!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A mean horseman went into a saddler's shop and asked for one spur. "One spur?" asked the saddler. "Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?" "No, just one," replied the horseman. "If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!"