Most viewed jokes

Pig Breeding by Lena Bacon

Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
→ She's still looking for a lake with a slope.

If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.

- What seems to be the trouble?

- Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

- What seems to be the trouble?

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says:

- I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?

To which the fellow responds:

- If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Read a Playboy magazine.
3. Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed.
4. Flirt with the nurse.
5. Watch a football game on your portable television.
6. Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

- Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy - he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

- Oh, really? - she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.

- In that case, we'd better run it through again...

- Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?

- Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!!

- Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!

- No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

- I'll never do that again! - he told his mother that evening.

- I didn't catch a thing!

- Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away - his mother said.

The boy said:

- It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!