As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.
Seeing this the dentist said:
- Please don't, you don't need to pay me now.
The patient answered:
- Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!
This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says:
- I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much...
So the doctor says:
- Well, it's risky, but okay.
So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.
Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says:
- We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.
The guy looks up and says:
- Mama Mia!
The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said:
- Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.
Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.
- Och! - said the doctor.
- Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by... I think there's yet another wee bairn to come.
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
- Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides! - cried the doctor.
The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
- Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?
One woman says to another:
- I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!
The other woman replies with a smile:
- Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
→ Tunnel vision!
The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked:
- Do you understand what I am doing?
- Yes - the patient answered.
- You're checking for dermatological abrasions.
- Correct - the doctor lied.
Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired:
- Do you understand what I am doing?
- You're feeling for cancerous lumps - she ventured.
- Very astute - the doctor complimented, getting more excited.
He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.
And do you understand what I am doing now?
- All too well - the patient shot back.
- You're contracting herpes!
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies:
- Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?
The doctor answered:
- Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.
- I know, but can't you give me some idea? - she asks.
- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...
- Like this?
- A little more...
- Like this?
- No. A little more...
- Like this?
- Yes. Does that hurt?
- A little bit.
- Now stretch it over your head!
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife:
- When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.
- No, I can't marry anyone after you.
- But I want you to.
- But why?
- Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"
Why didn't the monster make the football team?
→ Because he threw like a ghoul!
