Most viewed jokes

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

What happened to the lost cattle?
→ Nobody's herd.

Which snakes are found on cars?
→ Windscreen vipers.

- Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.

- Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.

- Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.

- Husband: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

- Wife: In the pool.

Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a car accident?
→ The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders?
→ So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a question.

- I forgot my brother's birthday last month.

- What did he say?

- Nothing, yet.

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

- Doctor - she said.

- I have a very bad gas problem.

- A gas problem? - replied the doctor.

- Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

- Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

- Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!

- Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?

- Well - said the doctor.

- I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says:

- For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says:

- It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says:

- You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.

1. Never eat at a place called Mom's
2. Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3. Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.