Most viewed jokes

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

- No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes - he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

- Here - she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes.

- I found them in the hallway.

- Now - she said - if only I could find my parakeet.

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem:

- I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office:

- Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?

- Calm down, Mrs. Harris - said the doctor soothingly. Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing.

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks:

- Oh dear, what happened to you?

Di answers:

- I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse.

Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says:

- My God, you look terrible.

Dodi replies:

- This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver.

Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says:

- So you're the driver?

- No, I'm Mother Theresa.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying tofind it."

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

- Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

- Why, it's bean soup - she replied.

- I don't care what it has been - he sputtered.

- What is it now?

A doctor fell into a well once.

He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.