Most viewed jokes

How do you get five oboes in tune?
→ Shoot four of them.

What are burning oboes used for?
→ To set bassoons on fire.

Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
→ Because most oboes are full of holes.

How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
→ Steal his batteries.

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says:

- You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo.

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says:

- St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?

St. Peter says:

- That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel.

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks:

- If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?

The lawyer answers:

- Absolutely.

- Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
→ He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present?
→ He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present?
→ The duck wins.

What do you get if you cross a tarantula with a rose?
→ I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment.

Fill in the blanks:

1. [xxx] is not food.
   Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
   Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
   The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
   The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
   Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's full bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
   Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
   Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

Three fellows walking along the beach noticed a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail in the foam.

The first man waded out to her and said:

- Hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?

She replied:

- no sir! So he kissed her quite thoroughly and asked:

- Did you like that?

- Oh, indeed I did, sir! - she replied.

The second man went out to her and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?

- No sir - she replied. So he set to and fondled and caressed and then asked:

- How did you like that?

- It was most pleasurable, sir. - she replied.

The third fellow approached and asked:

- Mermaid, have you ever been fucked?

- No sir - she replied. He said:

- Well you have been now--the tide's gone out!

Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:

• Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
• She sucks
• She blows
• She's bloated
• She's the focus of a huge legal battle
• She'll go down in a heartbeat

Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.

- The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold - explains the guide.

- The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.

- Wait a minute! - says the man taking the tour.

- I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?

- Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine - says the guide.

- It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.

- Well, that can't be good for the condoms!

- Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!

Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.