It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
- If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one? - she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
- You have 171 sheep - said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked:
- if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try:
- You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog.
A Psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him:
- It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
→ A croaker spaniel!
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week.
- Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
- 91% of us lie regularly.
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution.
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million?
- 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church.
- 7% would murder.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- 85% of us will eat Spam this year.
- 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
- Snickers is the most popular candy.
- 22% of us skip lunch daily.
- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
- 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
- Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
- 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 44% have broken a bone.
- Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
- 17% have been caught by the host.
- 29% of us ignore RSVP.
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 22% are functionally illiterate.
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
- 40% of us have had music lessons.
- 44% reuse tinfoil.
- 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
- 59% of us say we're average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
- 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
- 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone.
- 71% can drive a stick-shift car.
- 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
- Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
- Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore?
→ She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
- Some parents - she said - tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'
One of the women spoke up immediately:
- Does she cook???
