Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives.
- Give me some roll, Winnie!
- It's not a roll, it's a bun.
- Give me some bun, Winnie!
- It's not a bun, it's a bap.
- Give me some bap, Winnie!
- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can't even make up your mind!
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
→ She thought children should be seen and not herded!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
→ A sourpuss!
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
- Boss - he said.
- The pill actually worked!
- That's all fine - said the boss.
- But where were you yesterday?
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
→ Because they're headcases!
What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette?
→ A blonde doing cartwheels.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
→ She heard that the drinks were on the house.
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
→ Flattered.
Somewhere in America, next week...
- Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
- Son: What's up, Dad?
- Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
- Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.
- Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
- Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
- Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
- Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
- Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
- Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
- Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
- Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.
- Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?
- Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
- Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car?
- Son: No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
- Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
- Son: From The President of the United States.
Yo mamma's so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!
