Most viewed jokes

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses!

- It's okay...

- I'm still billing the client.

- They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

- This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

- I was working smarter, not harder.

- Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

- I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

- This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

- I'm in the management training program

- Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

- The coffee machine is broke....

- Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

- Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

- It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

- I was cross-training for telecommuting.

- Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

- Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

- The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

- I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought:

- Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said:

- Well son, do you have any questions?

- Just one Dad - gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks:

- How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said:

- Ah, there's the problem!

- What is it? - the man asked.

- Why you have an abscess - said the dentist.

- An abscess? How could that be causing my problem? - asked the man.

- That's easy - replied the dentist.

- Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda! (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him:

- Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says:

- King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said:

- For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

Why? So he can make a new hole!

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
→ A real man doesn't care.

How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
→ He throws his kisses.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked:

- How much is 2 + 2?

The housewife replies:

- Four!

The accountant says:

- I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice:

- How much do you want it to be?

John Bobbit Virus--Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Right to Life Virus--Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

AT&T Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus-- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Sprint Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

PBS Virus--Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Health Care Virus--Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

New York Jets Virus--Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

LAPD Virus--It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus--Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus--Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus--Their is sumthing rong wit your're komputer, we jsut can't figyour out watt.