Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?
He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.
The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says:
- Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?
He says:
- Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!
She says:
- Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?
Josh says:
- Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan.
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says:
- Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!
Josh says:
- Then I'd be a Laker fan!
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
- What's going on? - she yells out the window.
- Cow on the track! - replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells:
- What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
- What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? - asked the chief.
- Forget the damn lion! - he howled.
- Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living:
- Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said:
- She's a doctor.
- That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said:
- My father is a mailman.
- Thank you, Amy - said the teacher.
- What does your parent do, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced:
- Nothing. He's an economist.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious
- Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
- Nope, no more booze for me
- Sorry, but you're not really my type
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Man walks into a supermarket and buys:
- 1 bar of soap
- 1 toothbrush
- 1 tube toothpaste
- 1 loaf of bread
- 1 pint of milk
- 1 single serving cereal
- 1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says:
- Single are you?
The man replies very sarcastically:
- How did you guess?
She replies:
- because you're ugly.
The boy asks his dad:
- What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?
The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a crotch and says:
- Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy', everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer:
- I can arrange some things for you. I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity - the devil said.
The lawyer thought for a moment.
- What's the catch? - he asked.
