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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Your Momma's so fat, the National Weather service had to label her body parts!

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are:

- Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom.

- YES! - she says under her breath as she runs upstairs:

- This is the night, I'm gonna get some!

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says:

- Right, now get your clothes off!

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything.

- Now get over in front of the mirror...

- Kinky! - she thinks.

- Great!

- and do a handstand...

- Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages - thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch...

- Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!

How do you get a blond out of a tree?
→ Wave

How do you drown a blond?
→ Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.

What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.

When can you tell witch cars a blond's car?
→ The stick shift is wet.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney:

- let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

- Help me find my ball, you look over there - he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

- I've found my ball! - he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly:

- After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?

- What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!

- And a liar, too!!! - Sid says with amazement.

- I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have a sexually transmitted disease?
→ Having your dentist tell you!

You might be a redneck if...
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

• We will wake the children.......17 times
• It's too late.......15 times
• I'm too tired.......5 times
• It's too early.......52 times
• It's too hot.......15 times
• Pretending to be asleep.......49 times
• Window open the neighbours will hear.......9 times
• Backache.......2 times
• Headache.......16 times
• Sunburnt.......10 times
• Your mother will hear us.......6 times
• Not in the mood.......21 times
• Will wake the baby.......17 times
• Watching the late TV show.......7 times
• Too sore.......9 times
• New hairdo.......4 times
• Wrong time of the month.......4 times
• You had to go to the toilet.......9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.......7 times
• Didn't come home.......29 times
• Didn't come.......14 times
• Came too soon.......26 times
• Went soft before you got in.......18 times
• Toes in cramp.......9 times
• Working late.......49 times
• Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat.......21 times
• In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls.......4 times
• Caught it in your zipper.......6 times
• Got a cold, your nose keeps running.......14 times
• Brewer's droop.......95 times
• Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue.......9 times
• Had a splinter in your finger.......4 times
• Lost the notion after thinking about it all day.......13 times
• Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.......8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was:

- Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?

The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

A son asks his father:

- What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought some and said:

- OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

- Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.

- Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?

The little boy said:

- Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table:

- Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.

- Excellent, my boy - he answered

- What have you learned?

The little boy thought for a minute and said:

- I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

- Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

- None - replied Johnny - cause the rest would fly away.

- Well, the answer is four - said the teacher - but I like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny says:

- I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

- Well - said the teacher nervously - I guess the one sucking the cone.

- No - said Little Johnny - the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.