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An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said:

- For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night.

In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase.

Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked:

- Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!

Why don't women have any brains?
→ Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time:

- how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested:

- if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said, then started to count on his fingers:

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said:

- Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!

The Preacher replied:

- Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...

- I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!

The man said:

- I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!

The Reverend said:

- Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!

The man said:

- Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!

And the Reverend said:

- NO SHIT?!

The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks the question:

- What part of your body gets to heaven first?

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny in the back. The teacher thinks to herself:

- I dont want to call on Johnny cause he will say something bad.

So she picks on Jenny first who says:

- I think your head gets to heaven first cause you have to be smart.

The teacher then calls on Jim who says:

- I think your heart gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart.

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher says to herself:

- Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny.

She picks him and he says:

- I think your feet get to heaven first.

The relieved teacher asks him:

- Why on earth do you think your feet get to heaven first?

Johnny says:

- Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'

The Top 10 signs you're flying on a bad airline:

- The engine's being held on by duct tape.

- You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

- In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.

- Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.

- Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

- As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program".

- The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

- The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!

- Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

- You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

- We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!

- We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".

- You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.

- I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

- Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth.

- You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!

- A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain!

- We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

- Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.

- We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

- It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.

- Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

- I was the James Bond type of player - he told his friends.

- I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.

- Batted .007 - his wife added.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
→ Snakes and Larders!