Most viewed jokes

The little boy asked his dad one evening:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

- I don't know, son - he said.

- I'm still paying for it.

- You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting, - she said as they were side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.

- Then you used to kiss me, - she purred. He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.

- After that, you used to bite my neck. With that the husband got up. - Where are you going? - she asked. - To get my teeth, - he grumbled.

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She kept having affairs with men!

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
→ It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!

You know you are addicted to coffee if:

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You sleep with your eyes open.

- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

- You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

- You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- You channel surf faster without a remote.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

- You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

- Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

- You ski uphill.

- You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

- You answer the door before people knock.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Athens!

- Athens who?

- Athens I love you!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Atlas!

- Atlas?

- Atlas it's the weekend!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Atomic!

- Atomic who?

- Atomic ache!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Axl!

- Axl who?

- Axl me nicely and I might just tell you!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Anita!

- Anita who?

- Anita you like I need a hole in the head!

- For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.

- You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!

- You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

- I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed so he had you thrown out of his office.

- I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!

- You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

- Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

- You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.

- You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

- I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

- I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.

- I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
→ Chimney Cricket!