Most viewed jokes

- Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.

- Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked:

- If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?

Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered:

- The rest of your life.

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
→ The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
→ Throw in your laundry.

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."

To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

- Sorry sir - said one of the loafers - but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way.

The C.O. turned to his driver and said:

- Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.

Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
→ Two 5 year olds.

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

- Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve, - he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read:

- Blame your predecessor.

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read:

- Reorganize.

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said:

- Prepare three envelopes.

What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?
→ Skeet.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?

He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.

The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?