Most viewed jokes

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out:

- Oh, look! A nut!

The second squirrel jumped on it and said:

- It's my nut!

The first squirrel said:

- That's not fair! I saw it first!

- Well, you may have seen it, but I have it - argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said:

- You shouldn't quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said:

- Now, give me the nut.

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying:

- See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.

Then he reached over and said:

- And for my fee, I'll take the meat.

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

- That's a lot of chicks - commented the proprietor.

- I mean business - the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again.

- I need another 100 chicks - he said.

- Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming - the man told him.

- Yeah - the yuppie replied.

- If I can iron out a few problems.

- Problems? - asked the proprietor.

- Yeah - replied the yuppie - I think I planted that last batch too close together.

Politicians accident

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer:

- Were they all dead?

The old farmer replied:

- Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.

Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'

Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."

It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.

- My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness - Baker told colleagues.

- I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one.

Baker also wondered aloud:

- how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon...

Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun':

- which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'.

Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."

- Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play - Baker replied...

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water.

- Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below? - asks a little old lady, terrified.

- Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs.

- And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more? - asks the little lady.

- Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

- Fuck me - shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

- What the fuck are you doing that for? - says Smartie.

- That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him - says Polo.

- You should stand up to him - says Smartie.

- He'll respect you more if you do.

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

- Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you - says Polo.

- Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink? - says Humbug.

- Told you so - says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

- Fuck me - shouts Polo again diving under the table.

- What the fuck are you doing that for again? - says Smartie.

- I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune - says Polo.

- So what? - says Smartie.

- He's fucking menthol - says Polo.

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.