- An acher of bacteriologists
- A murmur of cardiologists
- A stain of cytotechnologists
- A rash of dermatologists
- A speck of forensic pathologists
- A poke of gynecologists
- A vessel of heart surgeons
- A clot of hematologists
- A nursery of obstetricians
- A dose of pharmacists
- A pile of proctologists
- A G-spot of sex therapists
- A stream of urologists
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.
The shrink frowned and said:
- I see you need my help!
The guy said:
- Yeah Doc. Got a match!?
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
- Nobody - comes the reply.
- Good - says the man - I must have escaped!
- I'm fed up with your jealousy - the furious wife told her husband.
- Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?
One of the reasons that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is that those men who promised that they'd die for their woman just don't come through.
"Three Men And A Baby"
→ What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!
This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked:
- Am I my brother's son?
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:
- Tee hee, Brutus.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted:
- hurrah.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
- Don't.
- Don't what? - Adam replied.
- Don't eat the forbidden fruit. - God said.
- Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!
- No way!
- Yes, WAY!
- Don't eat that fruit! - said God.
- Why?
- Because I'm your Father and I said so! - said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.
- Uh huh - Adam replied.
- Then why did you?
- I dunno - Eve answered.
- She started it! - Adam said.
- Did not!
- DID so!
- DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked:
- What's this, Paw?
The father responded:
- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said:
- Go get your maw!
