Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.
One physician says:
- Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!
The other doctor replied:
- Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!
- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?
- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!
- What's an orgasm, mom?
- I don't know, dear...ask your father.
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.
- Where's Eve? - He asked.
- Well, - said Adam - She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.
- So where is she? - asked God.
- Well, she went down to the river to wash up. - replied Adam.
- Darn, - said God - Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!
An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.
When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:
- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?
The old guy says in reply:
- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .
What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
→ You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
→ She can't say "No".
This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked:
- Am I my brother's son?
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:
- Tee hee, Brutus.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted:
- hurrah.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying:
- I know the whole truth even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says:
- I know the whole truth.
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says:
- Just don't tell your father.
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with:
- I know the whole truth.
The father promptly hands him $40 and says:
- Please don't say a word to your mother.
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying:
- I know the whole truth.
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says:
- Then come give your FATHER a big hug!
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read:
- Old MacDonald had a _________.
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
- Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
- Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.
- Oh yeah - said Bubba.
- I remember now.
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered:
- Tiny, how do you spell farm?
- You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.
