The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted:
- Can you float alone?
- Obviously - the banker replied, but this is a heck of a time to talk business.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling:
- Help, Help me!
but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says:
- Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head?
→ Dead.
Repairing Old Clothes by Fred Bare
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said:
- Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!
Her friend said:
- O.K. then, what's the capital of France?
The blonde replied:
- Oh, that's so easy! F.
Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
→ She didn't know what ONE came first...
- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ...pow!...it was.. all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- Ahhh my wife found out!
- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!
Martha responds excitedly:
- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!
The man responds:
- I don't care... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!
How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
→ With a Cell phone!
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on:
- I finished the exam in half and hour. But - she says - I am rechecking my answers!
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
