A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.
The shrink frowned and said:
- I see you need my help!
The guy said:
- Yeah Doc. Got a match!?
- What's an orgasm, mom?
- I don't know, dear...ask your father.
What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
→ She can't say "No".
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night
I pray I'll always stay real cool
and keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really run by cats.
And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.
Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.
Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims:
- Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!
Rules for Buying Gifts for Men
Rule #1
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
- Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?
- OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
- Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?
Rule #12
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says:
- Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
- Why are you naked? - he asks.
- Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
- Who the hell are you?! - the man asks.
- I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.
The husband exclaims:
- But you are naked!
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says:
- Those little bastards!
How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
→ She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
- What's logic? - the first redneck asked.
The professor answered:
- Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?
- I sure do.
- Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard - replied the professor.
- That's real good! - said the redneck.
The professor continued:
- Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.
Impressed, the redneck said:
- Amazing!
- And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.
- That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!
The redneck was catching on.
- Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual - said the professor.
- You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
- So what classes are ya takin'? - asked the friend.
- Math, history, and logic! - replied the first redneck.
- What in tarnation is logic? - asked his friend.
- Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? - asked the first redneck.
- No - his friend replied.
- You're queer, ain't ya?
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
- Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over - said Jim-Bob.
The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said:
- Nope, dat ain't Bubba.
Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body.
- Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over - said Billy-Joe.
The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said:
- Dat ain't Bubba.
- How can you tell? - asked the mortician.
- Cause Bubba had two assholes - replied Billy-Joe.
- Two assholes? That's impossible! - said the mortician.
- Yep. Everyone in town knowed Bubba had two assholes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would yell, 'here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'
