During my college days there was a competition for cross country race that was around 8 kms. to my surprise i found my best friend JHON who was too lazy and never use to take part in any competition came first in that race. when he reached the finishing line, me and my friends went to wish him. I told him "Jhon u made it and u proved that u can win the race too." but Jhon instead shouted at me and said " WHO LET THE DOG BESIDE ME"
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says:
- It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says:
- My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!
Programmer: A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says:
- Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.
The teacher says:
- No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?
Another little boy stands up and says:
- Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.
Again the teacher says:
- No, that's wrong.
The teacher asks:
- Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?
Little Johnny stands up and says:
- Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.
- Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?
Little Johnny says:
- That's easy. Two plus two be fore.
A solution to all of your drinking troubles
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
→ Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.
A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts
Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it," or "The smeller's the feller."
Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.
- Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 - see also "SBD's").
- Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled pride.
- Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.
- Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.
- Fudgies: See Wet Ones.
- One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.
- Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.
- SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.
- Screamers: High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.
- Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.
- Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.
- Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking funny.
- Whiffers: see Poohs.
Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles?
→ It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone
OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket
OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away
OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool
OLD FROGS never die, they just croak
OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes
OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive
OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez
OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount
OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded
OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips
OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air
