A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
I can't help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you've heard men refer to their "performance". Well, even these days I don't have a lot of trouble with that.
But... since I'm now past fifty, the "encores" are getting tuffer and tuffer.
AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
→ Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
→ I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
→ I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
→ It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
→ If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
→ The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
→ The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.
Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.
Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.
Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.
"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual. Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"
- Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be eighty.
- Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
- Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
- Oh, God! - he cried.
- I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
- A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again:
- Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
- I told you I was right! - cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a very big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said:
- Well?
- So - shrugged one of the other rabbis - now it's 3 to 2.
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
- Daddy, what are you doing? - asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
- I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice - replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said:
- Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?
