Most viewed jokes

When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.

We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed:

- I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. She says:

- Honey, now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.

- This, my love, is a penis. - he told her.

- Oh! - she exclaimed.

- It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.

Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him:

- Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.

- Yeah, I remember those trying times. - replied the attorney.

- I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?

- Yes, I do.

- But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.

- That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?

- Because...

I could have been a free woman by now!

Alimony:

1. A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2. A splitting headache.
3. It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4. Paying for something you don't get.
5. That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6. The high cost of leaving.
7. The last laugh.
8. The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9. Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10. A woman's cash surrender value.
11. The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
→ So she could lip read.

When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom: "The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position."

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

- My god! What happened to you? - the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

- I got in a tiff with Riley - whispered Kelly to the beertender.

- Riley? He's just a wee fellow - the barkeep said surprised.

- He must have had something in his hand.

- That he did - Kelly said.

- A shovel it was.

- Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?

- Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit. - Kelly said.

- And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day
They git it at Wal-Mart
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic.

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered:

- 1,228.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."