Most viewed jokes

How do you confuse a blonde?
→ You don't. They're born that way.

Remember when........

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size. The categories are as follows:

- 10 - 12 inches....... Luxury Tax $30.00

- 8 -10............... Pole Tax $25.00

- 5 -8................ Privilege Tax $15.00

- 4 -5................ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist:

- Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck:

- Will that be cash or charge?

The duck replies:

- Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk:

- Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says:

- Do you want me to also put them on your bill?

The duck says:

- Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!

Here I am at Camp Grenada. Camp is very entertaining, and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining. I went hiking with Joe Spivy. He developed poison ivy. You remember Leonard Skinner; he got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors, hate the waiters, and the lake has alligators. And the head coach was no sissy, so he reads to us from something called Ulysses. Now I don't want this to scare ya. But my bunkmate has malaria. You remember Jeffrey Hardy... They're about to organize a search party.

Take me home, oh mother, father. Take me home, I hate Grenada. Don't leave me out in the forest where I might get eaten by a bear. Take me home, I promise I will not make noise or mess the house with other boys. Oh please, don't make me stay! I've been here one whole day.

Dearest father, darling mother, how's my precious little brother? Let me come home if you miss me. I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me...

Wait a minute... It stopped raining! Guys are biking. Guys are sailing, playing baseball... Gee, that's better!

Mother, father, kindly disregard this letter!

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
→ Don't tell her to swallow.
→ Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed:

- I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!

- What do you mean, twice? - Andy asked. - We only did it once.

- Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you? - Rosemary asked.

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven. But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told:

- We have all of the judges.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alec!

- Alec who?

- Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alec!

- Alec who?

- Alec my lolly!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alex!

- Alex who?

- Alex the questions round here!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Adair!

- Adair who?

- Adair once but I'm bald now!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Adlai!

- Adlai who?

- Adlai a bet on that!