Most viewed jokes

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said:

- Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?

The other old lady said:

- It's a condom.

- A condom? Where do you get those?

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her:

- What size do you want?

- One that would fit a Camel.

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.

The doctor replied:

- No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!

What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom:

- Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.

Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around.

- Where's the clock sir? - she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants.

- That's not a clock Mr. Clinton ! - she exclaimed.

- It will be - he replied.

- Once you put two hands and a face on it !.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?, - he says.

- That's cool - says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds:

- why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

- Yeah - says Carrie's father:

- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

- DAMMIT DADDY! ...

- IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
→ Don't tell her to swallow.
→ Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
→ If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said:

- Son, come here.

He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said:

- This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.

- Well, as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter - the father said.

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.

Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked:

- Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that.

The third son replied:

- Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her:

- Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun Replied:

- Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

- Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

- Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

- What did the doctor say?

She replied:

- You're going to die.