Most viewed jokes

Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, "Now, remember, son. Don't wear them when you're not looking at anything."

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

- Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.

- Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
→ You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.

Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
→ Mom! I see an angel.

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.

- You should give that money to charity - said the sales girl.

Fred thought for a moment and said:

- No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking:

- What time is it?

The tower responded:

- Who is calling?

The aircraft replied:

- What difference does it make?

The tower replied:

- It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

- Great news, Mr. Oscarson - the psychiatrist reported.

- After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.

- Gee, that's great, Doc - the patient replied.

- And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever.

- Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?

- Well, if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. - suggested the psychiatrist.

Men are like department stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.