Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between the dinosaur and a dragon...?
→ Dinosaurs are too young to SMOKE!

What is the difference between 'like' and 'love'?
→ Spit and swallow!

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say:

- And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say:

- Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over:

- I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!

9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks:

- How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

- And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

- And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!

- And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

- How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies:

- That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!

Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
→ To cover up the valve stem.

Yo mamma is such a bad cook that even the cockroaches throw up!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...

• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
• Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
• Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
• Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
• Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
• Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled - For Daddy, I love you.)

NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog...it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced:

- Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister...

- Now, now, keep calm, folks - he said.

- Let's all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back.

- Why aren't you bowing your head to pray? - the minister asked.

- Well, I don't know how to pray, - replied the passenger.

- Well, just do something religious! - piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...