Most viewed jokes

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver Herford

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. Knowles

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife:

- What huge buttocks!

Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife:

- Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask:

- What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

- No, but I could have! - the third man replied.

A wise man once said that having children is hereditary.

Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
→ A bald eagle!

- SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

- MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

- DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

- NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

- PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

- PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....

- BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

- PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...(and then took it all away).

1. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2. Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3. All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4. Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5. Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6. When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7. 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8. During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9. Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10. The entire British population lives in London.
11. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12. In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13. When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

A man is in court. The Judges says:

- on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

- Guilty - said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted:

- You dirty rat!

The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued:

- ..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

- Guilty - said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder:

- You dirty rotten stinking rat!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said:

- I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?

He replied:

- He is my next door neighbor

The Judge replied:

- I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments

The man replied:

- NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!!

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:

You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?
→ "Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity while also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts ..

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a "handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where else can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a forged check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help..

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.