Most viewed jokes

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

- I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

- He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer

- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

- I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

- I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead

- Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

- Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug

- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

- Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund.

- Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

- No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife:

- What huge buttocks!

Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife:

- Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask:

- What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

- No, but I could have! - the third man replied.

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.

- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.

- They must be British.

- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.

- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.

- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!

What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
→ A bald eagle!