Most viewed jokes

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands.

- You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you - the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

- I don't like that - said the man.

- Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

- Well, that's better than brick - the man said.

- but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

- I'll choose this room - he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out:

- OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Audrey!

- Audrey who?

- Audrey be doing this!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Augusta!

- Augusta who?

- Augusta go home now!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aunt Lou!

- Aunt Lou who?

- Aunt Lou do you think you are!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ashley!

- Ashley who?

- Ashley-t's foot!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Asia!

- Asia who?

- Asia you going to let me in then!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Albee!

- Albee who?

- Albee a monkey's uncle!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Albert!

- Albert who!

- Albert you don't know who this is!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alison!

- Alison who?

- Alison it's dark outside!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alli!

- Alli who?

- Alligator, that's who!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Allied!

- Allied who?

- Allied, so sue me!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Anna!

- Anna who?

- Anna one, anna two...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Anna!

- Anna who?

- Anna going to tell you!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Anne Boleyn!

- Anne Boleyn who?

- Anne Boleyn alley!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amin!

- Amin who?

- Amin thing to do!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ammonia!

- Ammonia who?

- Ammonia little kid!

- You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.

- I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.

- In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.

- You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!

- When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

- You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.

- Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

- I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.

- Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

- Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.

- People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.

- Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.

- Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year.

- Jaspar: Why was that?

- Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog.

- Son: I can't go to school today.

- Father: Why not?

- Son: I don't feel well

- Teacher: Where don't you feel well?

- Son: In school!

- Salesman: Roll up, roll up! Come to our mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale.

- Customer: Forget it! No one round here's got room in their houses for a mammoth.

A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires.

After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enuff and said:

- My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother?