Most viewed jokes

What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
→ Superbowl.

TEST:

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

1. pick a number from 1-9
2. subtract 5
3. multiply by 3
4. square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive.
5. add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6. if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7. multiply by 2
8. subtract 6
9. map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10. pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11. take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12. think of the color of that mammal

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry....................

You have a grey elephant from Denmark!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

What kind of bees make milk?
→ Boobies!

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Seen in the want ads:

A tall well-built woman with good reputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia garden, classic music and tal-king without getting too serious.

Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening:

- Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend.

- That sounds fine - she purred.

And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying:

- Mind if I play along?

The exec. said:

- Fine. Glad to have the company.

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

- Whoa - he said. - That's a high powered rifle!

- Look - said the other man. - I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.

- No. No - said the exec. - I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag.

The other man pondered for a moment and then said:

- Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living.

- Wow - said the other. - I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before.

- Still want me to play? - said the other.

- Sure - said the Erie exec. - As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said:

- Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife.

He lowered the gun for a moment and said:

- she doesn't have any clothes on.

He looked through the scope again.

- Damn, there's a guy with her.

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man.

- How much do you charge?

- $10,000 a bullet - said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said:

- Do it.

- Which one? - said the hit man.

- Both - said the exec.

- That's $20,000, you know.

- I don't care, hit 'em both.

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle.

- Where do you want me to get the man? - he asked.

- Blow his nuts off - said the exec.

- How about the woman?

- In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway.

- Ok - said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled.

- Mister - he said - I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
→ The bored room!

Where do Martians drink beer?
→ At a mars bar!